This is not a blog about not having a father or having ambivalent feelings about a father... that is a normal enough in this day and age but is not what this is about. Rather it is about one of the parts of aging which is when you stop having people above you to go to for advice, comfort and/or aid.
I have struggles occasionally with this and that and sometimes I think to myself "I wish there is someone I could go to with this problem." There are plenty of people I can (and do) go to with my problems but it occurred to me recently that all of these people are peers and not superiors. Sure, I am pretty stuck up guy who is not very likely to ask anyone for help... and I see myself as naturally superior to everyone else (I say this to my shame not my credit) so it is not completely surprising that I should have few people I look up towards in this archetypal "father" way. But when I say "I wish there is someone I could go to with my problem" I am actually not thinking of going to a peer (Jem or Jax) to share my struggling and confess my failing. Rather what I am usually thinking is "I wish I knew someone strong enough to carry me in this situation."
The modern independent tendency is to look down on any sort of thought like that. But I reject that as unnatural and dishonest. Most "brave independent" men and women reek of weakness and insecurity to me. I respect the Stuart Smally's of the world who are strong enough to admit their weakness and move forward.
It is not as if the existential father figures in my life ever actually thought it wise to take all of my problems away and provide me a life of ease. It would not be an manly act of love to treat even a child this way. Like C.S. Lewis said, a father would be happy with any faltering steps and failures of a child but no father would be content with a child who refused to learn to walk. The best I ever got (possibly the best a person could get) is a strong hand gently holding my own.
As a child this is mostly just father and mother, but there might have been a teacher here and there. As time went on, in my life parents faltered and my problems became more complex. I was lucky to have some terrific teachers and some reasonably wise friends. Sure, teenage wisdom is a very temporary help but I was grateful for what I received. In college after entering into Christian fellowship I have been extraordinarily fortunate (blessed even) with mentors. It is possible that I leaned a little too hard and expected a little too much but God (the eternal existential Father) prevented too much damage.
But now as a man I find that my mentors have become peers and when I find myself struggling beyond my wish for strength I am compelled to move forward as best I can. I have heard that some have found this feeling liberating, others have described it as terrifying. I am struck by the fact that it is surprising. a year ago I would have thought myself too arrogant to have had any thoughts for a superior to carry me through the hardest paths.
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2 comments:
Good post, Michael. You don't consider me your superior? Harumph.
I can relate to your feelings. There are some I would consider seeking out for guidance and whatnot, but sometimes I think they are already quite busy and don't want to bother them with my own issues.
I've found some mentorship in some other ways...it's not really personal but it's helped me a bit. Mostly through reading, be it quality blogs (like www.internetmonk.com) or books. Perhaps that's not so much mentorship or helping me through hard times as it is a wise voice worth listening to.
Are you currently reading any books? I have one I want to lend you. Have you read anything by Thomas Merton? I think you'd like him.
Ha, ha, you would be my mentor but you are so good a mentor that you lifted me up to your level.
I would consider C.S. Lewis a mentor like relationship. When I read his stuff it is much more like reading a letter from a friend than just a book. But I think that this is a very mild form of superiority. My dad was a completely spontanious person and if it were not for his great gentleness I would have been very afraid to talk with him because he so often saw right to the heart of the issue and was a truth teller. But even in the last couple of years he was not the mentor but an elder peer.
Perhaps that is a portion of fatherhood that must be also learned, when to cease trying to be a father figure and to re-setablish the relationship as brother striving after God with their own hurts habits and hang ups.
I thought it too obvious to put in the blog but of course God is the only Father worthy of the name. It is only by grace that some of us are called to that post for a time.
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