Singleness

A preface to this blog is my short story "Sensible People." If you haven't read it (shame on you) here is the link:
http://newspiritezk3626.blogspot.com/2010/07/sensible-people-final-draft-before.html
It will be referenced in this blog.

For those who don't know "Sensible People" was largely inspired by my first real attempt at a relationship since becoming a Christian (and pretty much since high school). The original title was "The Short and Unsuccessful Courtship of a Bitch Named 'Michelle'" which is an AWESOME title. But since I still went to church with Michelle and was reading the story at our Regen art show I felt that would have been inappropriately combative. Michelle was in no way bitchy and even though the original inspiration of the story was our short and unsuccessful relationship the story took a life of its own and "Sensible People" is the correct title.

So every now and then at Bible study during prayer requests I will ask for prayer about singleness. Most of my Christian life so far can be called contently single. I would joke that being single is my spiritual gift and I am think in many ways I could serve as an example of how to be godly in singleness (and humility). But over the last few years this contentment has changed to a need for intimacy, partnership and relationship. So we bring up our needs in prayer.

Now when asking for prayer from friends who know you pretty well you will not only receive prayer but also well meant advice. I try to bite my lip when I feel compelled to fix people's prayer needs rather than lift it up to God (like requested). I can not tell you how successful I am at simply hearing prayer requests and then praying about it without telling people who to avoid needing that prayer request. Ask someone else how I do with that.

Jesse has no qualms about giving advice with his prayers. But that's fine, Jesse knows me pretty well, has a decent head on his shoulders and will actually pray after giving the advice. His advice to me is something like "Stop dating the same kind of girl."

I have thought long about that advice since I am not sure what "the same kind of girl" he is talking about. I mean, what did Michelle and Jennifer have in common aside from going out with me for a short time and being committed Christian?

And then I thought about Pam... I never dated Pam. She was older than my mom and I never knew her when she wasn't terminally ill with cancer (of which she has since died).

I was very fortunate to know Pam at a time and place in her life when there was no pretense or boundaries. I was her weekly ride to chemotherapy and she talked about whatever she wanted to talk about and I listened. I don't think it is possible to be as open as she was in so short of a time without cancer.

One time waiting in the doctor's office she talked about a time she was asked out by a guy from her church. It was years and years earlier, long before she had dealt with cancer. She said how she asked around a little bit and everyone said he was a stand up guy so she agreed. He took her to a concert of some kind and they were having a good time. But then he ordered a glass of wine and she said it was like strike one, two and three right there. Now it wasn't that she had come from a background of alcohol abuse or anything but she immediately decided she wouldn't see him again.

That pretty much sums up the few relationships I've been in. Michelle's break up makes more sense since I made a lot of rookie mistakes but that is after years of perspective, but at the time my reaction to it (like Jennifer and other even shorter and more unsuccessful attempts) is consistently confusion.

So I think I have discovered aside from an insistence on faith in Christ and a tendency to like book smarts I would say my type is: women who are not ready for a relationship.

I certainly did not think of Michelle like a dog hit by a car on the side of the road going out with her, Jennifer either. But there is something very similar in how I approached girls I am attracted to and how I tried to care for that dog (whose name I never learned). There is a slow and steady movement, a patience and careful intention. To be sure there is all kind of baggage too, I mean I would never go out with a girl like the famous Liz (my first love, who broke my heart and went out with my twin brother).

But every relationship I have attempted in the last decade has been in some ways an approach towards a girl who I sensed in some ways was very hurt. There is always this hope that if I am careful enough and gentle enough and patient enough we can meet at a point in time where she can trust again.

So far no dice... and I did ask out a girl who was totally not my type... but she thought I was inviting her to coffee so I could lecture her about something. When I made myself more clear she gracefully begged off.

And the end of Pam's story about the the guy striking out for drinking a glass of wine she said "And a while ago I was at a concert and had a glass of wine myself, so I guess I've grown."