Fatherlessness

This is not a blog about not having a father or having ambivalent feelings about a father... that is a normal enough in this day and age but is not what this is about. Rather it is about one of the parts of aging which is when you stop having people above you to go to for advice, comfort and/or aid.
I have struggles occasionally with this and that and sometimes I think to myself "I wish there is someone I could go to with this problem." There are plenty of people I can (and do) go to with my problems but it occurred to me recently that all of these people are peers and not superiors. Sure, I am pretty stuck up guy who is not very likely to ask anyone for help... and I see myself as naturally superior to everyone else (I say this to my shame not my credit) so it is not completely surprising that I should have few people I look up towards in this archetypal "father" way. But when I say "I wish there is someone I could go to with my problem" I am actually not thinking of going to a peer (Jem or Jax) to share my struggling and confess my failing. Rather what I am usually thinking is "I wish I knew someone strong enough to carry me in this situation."
The modern independent tendency is to look down on any sort of thought like that. But I reject that as unnatural and dishonest. Most "brave independent" men and women reek of weakness and insecurity to me. I respect the Stuart Smally's of the world who are strong enough to admit their weakness and move forward.
It is not as if the existential father figures in my life ever actually thought it wise to take all of my problems away and provide me a life of ease. It would not be an manly act of love to treat even a child this way. Like C.S. Lewis said, a father would be happy with any faltering steps and failures of a child but no father would be content with a child who refused to learn to walk. The best I ever got (possibly the best a person could get) is a strong hand gently holding my own.
As a child this is mostly just father and mother, but there might have been a teacher here and there. As time went on, in my life parents faltered and my problems became more complex. I was lucky to have some terrific teachers and some reasonably wise friends. Sure, teenage wisdom is a very temporary help but I was grateful for what I received. In college after entering into Christian fellowship I have been extraordinarily fortunate (blessed even) with mentors. It is possible that I leaned a little too hard and expected a little too much but God (the eternal existential Father) prevented too much damage.
But now as a man I find that my mentors have become peers and when I find myself struggling beyond my wish for strength I am compelled to move forward as best I can. I have heard that some have found this feeling liberating, others have described it as terrifying. I am struck by the fact that it is surprising. a year ago I would have thought myself too arrogant to have had any thoughts for a superior to carry me through the hardest paths.